reflection

Head & Heart #37: Don’t pee on the gift

April 13, 2019 By Clare Leave a Comment

One of my favourite pieces of advice from Jancee Dunn’s How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids is “don’t pee on the gift”. It means don’t tell your spouse you’re OK with something he or she wants to do (a weekend getaway, an hours-long bike ride, an afternoon nap) and then fume about it after the fact.

Our dog has just had surgery and has been pretty sick with an infection. However, the (very shiny) silver lining is that I get a weekend at home to look after her, while J takes the kids on our planned family trip to visit his parents. This is possibly one of the greatest gifts J has ever given me and just the anticipation of a forthcoming weekend alone brings me so much joy. I am very conscious that J’s weekend (involving 7 hours of driving with a 5 and almost 2-year-old) might not be quite so joyful, but I’ve told him (repeatedly) that he can’t pee on the gift!

Other things that have brought value/joy to my life lately….

Chat 10 Looks 3

I was in a bit of a blergh mood during a morning commute to work this week. Chat 10 always makes me smile and the latest episode was no exception.

This Jamie Oliver salsa recipe

It was J’s birthday last week and I made these chicken fajitas for his birthday dinner. The salsa is especially delicious (note: I used some chipotle sauce as a substitute for the dried smoked chipotle) and it made me appreciate the value of a great sauce/dressing/condiment to transform an ordinary meal into something super tasty. On a related note, I’ve just started having Dijon mustard on my toasted sandwiches and have added this to the long list of things I wonder why I didn’t discover sooner!

iOS Shortcuts

I’ve recently started experimenting with the Shortcuts app on my iPhone after listening to this episode of the Day One podcast (Day One is my journaling app of choice) and subsequently a few episodes of Automators. Much of the technical detail goes over my head but it’s still been fun to engage my brain in a new and geeky way and come up with interesting ways to quickly/efficiently handle some of the things I do with my phone – like journal entries, starting new timers in Toggl (for time tracking), and one I set up recently where Siri will tell me what time I’m expected to arrive home.

The ‘Week in Review’

I wrote about this in my what worked in 2018 post, and last week my dear friend Emily and I sent our 52nd weekly reflective update. This practice continues to be so important to me and I’m so pleased/proud that we’ve been able to keep it up for a year (I doubt I would have been able to without the accountability to Em). Last time I posted about the WIR, lots of people asked for the questions and I do intend to do a separate post at some stage. But in the meantime, these are the questions we’re currently using (they’ve iterated a little over time). Credit and much thanks is owed to Amanda for introducing me to her similar practice and sharing her questions.

Bluey

As most Australian parents of preschoolers would know, new episodes of Bluey are out. J and I think Bandit and Chilli (Bluey’s dad and mum) are pretty great parenting role models!

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What worked for me in 2018

February 8, 2019 By Clare 1 Comment

One of my favourite posts to write last year was a wrap up of what worked for me in 2017. This 2018 edition has been sitting in a half-completed draft form for weeks, and although the time for new year reflection has probably passed (now that we’re more than a full month into 2019!) I wanted to publish it anyway! Some of those things from 2017 (like journalling and decluttering) continued to be an important part of my life in 2018 and others dropped away (like the TV-ban for Ella!). Here’s what stood out as things that worked for me in 2018….

Walking E to school

We live a few hundred metres from the local primary school. When we bought our place I don’t think either of us imagined that we would be living there 10 years later, so proximity to schools wasn’t something on our radar. E started pre-school in 2018 and walking her to and from school was an unexpectedly delightful part of my week. It’s a short amount of uninterrupted time to connect and hold hands and have random conversations.

Taking a daily probiotic

I was quite sick in 2017 with persistent pneumonia and had more courses of antibiotics than I could count. While filling another prescription in late 2017, the pharmacy assistant recommended I take a probiotic. Perhaps it’s just a placebo effect, but I had no further chest infections in 2018 and largely avoided any significant colds.

A weekly reflective practice

In March 2018 my friend Emily and I started exchanging a weekly email based on a series of reflective question prompts (which were suggested to me by my friend Amanda (who has a similar regular email exchange practice)). The questions focus on what worked well, gratitude, and values and intentions. The simple act of asking (and answering) these questions makes me more alert to the good things in my life.

Meditating

I’ve gone through periods of meditating consistently in the past and always found it beneficial but I tended to let it go during periods when I was busy or stressed at work and actually needed it most. Since March 2018 I’ve had a pretty consistent practice – not every day – but something I do more often than not. And my meditation bar is pretty low – it’s typically just a 5 min guided meditation using the Calm app.

Returning to work

After the blur of maternity leave and sickness in 2017, I returned to work in 2018 doing more of the training, facilitation and coaching work I love. I am so grateful to have work that I enjoy and that energises me and has the flexibility that I need at this stage in my life. I look forward to going to work and I think it makes me a happier, (mentally) healthier mum and partner.

Splitting caring days with J

One of the things that helped the return to work was splitting care days with my husband, J. It’s much easier to leave the house to get to work when you don’t also have to stress about getting little people clothed, fed, cleaned up and to daycare/school at a certain time. It also helped me to reduce any tendency toward maternal gatekeeping and created the space for J and E to bond and develop their own little weekly rituals.

Running

I discovered I actually enjoyed running about 9 or so years ago and did it pretty consistently until E was born. Since then I’ve struggled to get back into it. But in 2018 I actually finished the C25K program and did a 5k fun run. Using a C25K app was great as I just did what the friendly voice told me to do – there was no thinking or planning required on my part, and slowly building up run/walk intervals helped to avoid any injury. I didn’t maintain the running in the second half of the year, so am starting again – with the goal of doing a 10k in 2019.

Cancelling our credit card and negotiating a better home loan rate

I read The Barefoot Investor back in 2017 but have been pretty slow to fully jump on board. In 2018 I took a couple of positive steps toward getting our financial s#*t sorted – cancelling our main credit card and negotiating a lower interest rate on our home loan. Related – Season 1 of The Pineapple Project podcast was also really good and prompted me to make a few other changes like buying more second hand clothes.

Completing a coaching certification

When I look back at old journal entries and angsty ‘what am I doing with my life?’ notebook scribbles, it’s clear now that coaching others (in an informal sense) has been something that’s provided much joy and energy in my work life, so I wonder why it took me so long to actually do some coach training? The IECL Level 1 course in February exceeded all my expectations. I learned so much – not only about coaching, but about myself, and about facilitating engaging training. This course has had a massive impact on my coaching practice and has provided the foundational skills and confidence to start coaching in a more formal capacity. What I wasn’t expecting was the significant impact the course would have on how I approach other close relationships in my life – I think I’m a better listener and better at maintaining ‘detached empathy’. On a related note, asking what rather than why has also been a beneficial habit to practice.

My favourite things

I’m continuing to try to declutter and be more intentional about ‘stuff’ but there were definitely a few ‘things’ that added value to my life in 2018.

AirPods – I’m not sure I would have bought a pair (they do look ridiculous) but J was gifted some which I subsequently appropriated. I’ve really enjoyed being able to listen to podcasts/books and to go running without being physically tethered to my phone.
A multi-cooker – Like many families, dinner time is stressful with kids/work/childcare pickups so having a cooked meal ready to go when you walk in the door is a lifesaver. The timer and the pressure cooker function on this one make it a big improvement over the old one I had. Several recipes from The Easiest Slow Cooker Book Ever are now staples in our house.
A fly swat – A bit of a random addition but I honestly have got a lot of use out of this since J bought one for me at the start of 2018. I hate flies, but I also hate spraying fly spray in our open plan kitchen/dining area.

A custom portrait from Able & Game is one of my favourite things!

A custom portrait from Able & Game – I have been coveting one of these for years. It makes me smile whenever I look at it.
A hot water bottle – This wasn’t a new acquisition in 2018, but just something I started using almost every night from April-October. Getting into a toasty warm bed is the best!
An insulated drink bottle – My old Camelbak leaked and annoyed me, so when I decided to upgrade in late 2018 I got an insulated bottle and it’s great. I got a Cheeki bottle and I’ve converted the whole family now too (they have ones from EcoCocoon).

What worked for me in 2017

February 1, 2018 By Clare 1 Comment

As I approached the end of 2017, the two things that stood out when looking back over the year were 1) Lincoln’s birth and the vortex of life with a newborn, and 2) illness (lots of it)! It seemed like a year of survival rather than flourishing or achieving, and honestly, by the end, I felt a little defeated and knocked around.

But I spent some time over the new year reviewing my journal entries and writing and reflecting, and I discovered that there was so much more to the year that I feel grateful for and want to remember. I love reading end-of-year wrap-up posts and particularly like the ‘what worked’ format from Modern Mrs Darcy. Although it’s now a full month past the end of the year, I still felt it was important to capture and to share, so here (in no particular order) is my list of what worked for me in 2017…

Banning TV for Ella

A one week TV ban back in late June was far and away one of the most positive parenting moves we’ve made, and seven months on the ban is still in effect. This change was motivated not by concerns for her development, but entirely by a self-interested desire to avoid the whinging and tantrums that went along with her wanting to watch ‘just one more?’! It worked!

Family gratitude practice

One of the advantages of J working from home is that we’ve always been able to do an early dinner as a family. Last year we started a practice of taking turns at dinner time to share something from the day that we’re grateful for. Dinner time is a challenging time of day – everyone is tired, hungry, feeling rushed and ready to get through the bath/bedtime routine – so this practice temporarily pulls us out of that mindset and forces us all to reflect on our day and find the good. It also feels important for me to set up small practices now that may help my kids’ mental health as they get older. Thanks to Kristen for recommending this!

Bushwalking

We didn’t do heaps of it in 2017, but Ella is now at an age where she is more capable of independently walking a few kilometres, so we did manage a few longer walks at Tidbinbilla. Walking in the bush makes me happy and relaxed, and with nothing else to do but walk and talk (no housework, meal prep etc) I find I’m a more present and engaged mum. I think this is another little practice that will be increasingly important for our relationship and mental health as she gets older, and I love developing a shared passion with her.

Buying a second car

In many ways (financial, environmental) I would like to have fewer cars, so I was a bit reluctant to include this in a list of what went well. We could have made do this year, but with the additional stresses and logistical complexity of a new family member, Jason and I could do without the potential source of stress and conflict in negotiating car use.

Small improvements to our home

In 2017 we did a few small things to improve our home. None were done cheaply (but they weren’t expensive major renovations either) – new dining chairs, a new back fence, replacing the back sliding door, a block out awning for our west-facing deck – but they added a lot of value to our lives. Spending money to make our home more enjoyable and comfortable feels like a worthwhile investment.

Midwife-led care for Lincoln’s birth

L was born through the Canberra Hospital’s Birth Centre program (as was E). I had another hugely positive experience and received excellent care from a wonderful midwife. I am so grateful for the access to this program and can’t recommend midwife-led care highly enough.

Decluttering and being more intentional about our ‘stuff’

Last year we transformed our spare room (junk room) into a guest bedroom where we accommodated family members for over four weeks, and then into a nursery for L. As our family has expanded, our home hasn’t, so it’s really prompted us to get rid of a lot. I’m far from my ideal decluttered home, but it’s a journey and we’re making progress. We’re also being much more intentional about toys and gifts for the kids and our families are getting on board too. For Christmas 2017 the kids got fewer toy gifts, and more practical or experience ones (a trip to the zoo, new sandals, a cupcake and movie date, a new lunchbox etc).

Journalling using Day One

I’ve been using Day One for a couple of years and it has certainly made it easier to maintain a regular journaling practice. Last year I upgraded to the subscription-based version – it’s one of the best things I’ve spent money on. I have several journals set up – including one for each of the kids. Having it always available makes it easy to just snap a photo, jot down a funny thing they say, or capture a few words to remind me of what we did on that day. The ‘on this day’ feature and the practice of re-reading and reviewed past entries is also something that I get more benefit from than I expected.

Lead Mama Lead book club

I’ve wanted to be in a book club for ages but never found one that read the kind of books I did – non-fiction, mainly psychology, management, and leadership. Joining the LML book club has been such a delight. I’ve read some books that I wouldn’t have otherwise, the act of discussing a book reinforces the learnings and deepens my reflection, and I have a regular time set aside to spend in authentic conversation with some wonderful women.

Getting a regular babysitter

Without family support in Canberra, I was much more realistic this time around that we’d need to pay for support. Having time away from the daily ins and outs of child care has helped me mentally and to maintain my sense of self. I believe it’s also valuable for my kids to interact with and be cared for by other trusted adults.

Standing up for myself and the people I love

I learned and forgot and re-learned this lesson several times over 2017! I pride myself on being an easy-going, low fuss kind of person and I hate feeling like I’m inconveniencing people or taking up too much of their time or resources. But in 2017, in some big and small ways, I had situations where I had to back myself and be really clear about what I, or my family, needed and wanted – telling my GP that I still wasn’t well and wanted further investigations, making a complaint at the hospital my mum was in and advocating for improvements to her care, getting Ella the help she needed from a more experienced swimming instructor. And every time I raised an issue or asked for additional support, things got better.

Although it may now feel like a distant memory, I’d love to know what worked well for you in 2017?!

The pebble and the pond

August 20, 2016 By Clare Leave a Comment

Last week I saw a rock being thrown into someone else’s pond and watched the ripples that followed. I was surprised to see waves. I judged the reaction. I told them there should not be waves. It was just a tiny little pebble.

But here’s the thing – it wasn’t my pond, and my view of what happened in their’s was brief and hazy.

Maybe the waves were too big for the rock that caused them, or maybe they were just right, in fact perhaps they were too small. I can’t decide that. Only the person to whom the pond belongs will really know if the reaction was right.

The best thing I could have done was not to be an ill-informed commentator or judge, but rather a questioner and listener. Seeking to understand how the other person saw and experienced the rock and the ripples. Helping them to evaluate the cause and effect so they could ultimately judge the balance between the two.

It was a good reminder for me that two people can experience the exact same event, but have wildly different interpretations and recollections of what happened. They perceive the rock differently – not only it’s size but density and smoothness. And their ponds are different too. Different sizes, shapes, depths, weather conditions. Two rocks, two ponds, two sets of ripples.

I know this stuff. I think about this stuff often. I talk about it regularly with my students and friends. But when I was in it last week, I forgot. I forgot the metaphor. So now I’m pondering how I can store this closer to the front of my mental filing cabinet, or what hook can I use to remind me of this when I need it?

Head & Heart – 10 July 2016

July 11, 2016 By Clare 2 Comments

Once again I’ve found myself several months behind on my regular Head & Heart posts so I’ve decided to try something different. While I enjoy the practice of doing some reflection and documenting what I’ve been doing and thinking, I’m not sure the monthly timeframe is working for me. I feel like there is so much swirling around in my head that it’s hard to remember a month’s worth of content for each post and I feel some pressure (self-imposed) to make the post interesting, comprehensive and mostly coherent. It feels a bit counter intuitive that if I’m struggling to fulfil a commitment to post monthly then weekly might be easier, but I’m going to give it a go. I’ll also give myself permission to make these posts scrappier and less ‘complete’. The goal is here is building a regular practice rather than perfecting a writing craft.

Habit tracking 4/7 – 10/7 (Not a great week – only 7/21 habits completed)

So, in no particular order, here are some of the things I’ve been doing, reading, listening to and thinking about this week…

My daughter Ella turned 3 on Monday. Birthdays are a significant reflection point, and I’ve found her birthdays to be quite emotional as I reflect on how becoming a mum has changed my life and how I see myself and the world.
Not enough exercise, meditation or sleep had me in a funk on Wednesday morning. One of those (thankfully rare) mornings where I’m feeling sad and unable to get out of bed. Staying in bed never helps though. Once I did eventually get up I spent some time clearing my head by mind-mapping (using MindNode – a recent purchase that I’m enjoying using) how I was feeling and why, the things that I know impact my mental health, the barriers to me doing the things that I know make me healthier, and ways to overcome those barriers. Getting it out of your head makes it seem less significant and more able to be actioned. I felt much better afterwards.
Jason and I went on a rare date to see the documentary Minimalism. It was good, but as I’ve been thinking and reading about minimalism for the past year or so, there wasn’t anything particularly new. But one of the most powerful things in it was a statement from author Patrick Rhode which was something like ‘the easiest way to deal with the overwhelm is just simply to turn it off’. This really struck me, particularly because I have been feeling quite stressed and overwhelmed lately. It made me think of a sink that’s full of water and about to overflow. Instead of trying to find ways to manage the water in the sink and keep it from overflowing, perhaps it’s easier (essential?) to first turn off the tap.
I finished reading The Coaching Habit. If you’re new to coaching or you’re a manager wanting to have better quality interactions it’s a good read.
Emi Kolawole’s post on learning how not to be angry was good and her thoughts and advice about how to look after one’s mental health resonated with me.
I did session 1 of the C25K program (using the Run5K app). Feeling excited to get back into running which I know is good for my mental and physical health.
I listened to Mia Freedman’s conversation with Natasha Stott Despoja on the No Filter podcast. Natasha made an interesting comment about multi-faceted women (specifically how difficult she thought the media/public/established political players found it to respond to a multi-faceted woman – someone who could be on the cover of a magazine AND have a serious policy debate on Lateline).
I’ll also include in these posts a screenshot from Way of Life of how I’ve gone with my 3 priority habits (bed before 10.30pm, meditate, 30 active minutes). This week wasn’t great. Only 1/3 completed. I reckon that it’s about 2/3+ that I need to be hitting to be functioning well and maintaining good energy and mental resilience.

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Head & Heart – November 2015

December 13, 2015 By Clare Leave a Comment

My reflective wrap-up for the month of November….

What I’ve been doing

Recording, editing and posting a couple more interviews for the Women Talk Work podcast, including my chats with fashion entrepreneur Viv Mitchell, professional golfer Joanne Mills and executive coach Jacqueline Jago.
Working with my little bro Neale on an application for funding from the ACT Screen Arts Fund to develop a feature film story.
Many of my hours this month were consumed making a photobook of Ella’s first 2 years. This is something that I’ve wanted to do for ages. Although the software was relatively easy to use, it was a painful process to select and arrange the photos. Let’s hope that they were worth the effort!
Quarter 1 BAS was due this month, so I caught up on lots of scanning and filing and bookkeeping. Boring. But necessary. And better to just do it than have it hanging over my head.

I’m grateful for

This month we travelled to Bathurst to have an early Christmas celebration with Jason’s family. Being the only grandchild, Ella received lots of gifts and attention and I’m so grateful that she has such a loving extended family.
I’ve had a couple of blurgh periods this month where I’ve felt stretched and over-committed and so so tired. Often when I’m in these little funks, I find myself feeling grateful for the most basic things – supermarkets where you can buy all the food you need, hot water that just comes out of the tap when you turn it, a basic, but comfortable house that is our own space etc.

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Head & Heart – September 2015

October 2, 2015 By Clare Leave a Comment

Only 2 days after the end of the month (a record!), here’s my sixth Head & Heart post – “a monthly capture of my feelings and doings, in the raw.”

What I’ve been doing

After my blergh August, I’ve got on back track with a few things that make me healthier and happier – meditating (on my bus commute using the Calm app), tracking my spending using YNAB, walking more regularly (and I’ve started tracking my steps using the Fitbit app). I’ve also been blending fresh juices/smoothies and feel like they’re (positively) impacting on my energy levels.
September also involved quite a bit of work preparing for the new She Leads Diploma intake. I am really committed to continuing to improve the course to make it one of the most innovative leadership development programs for women in Canberra. Like conference organising, I feel that designing training is something that aligns with my strengths, providing an opportunity for creativity within a structured program.

I’m grateful for

Sunshine. I’ve been noticing and appreciating feeling the sun on my skin as I exercise.
FaceTime. We don’t have any family in Canberra so FaceTime is such an important way for E to get to know and maintain connection with her family.
My family’s good health. We were all well this month (apart from a touch of hayfever) and what a difference it made to how productive I felt and my mental wellbeing.

I’ve been thinking about

Tooting my friends’ horns. In Lean In, Sheryl Sandberg shares a story of a workplace/team where instead of asking the women to talk about themselves, she asked them to tell one another’s stories, which made the women more comfortable and also helps to avoid that perception that women who talk up their own accomplishments are less likeable. This month I was listening to an episode of Chat 10 Looks 3 where Leigh Sales mentioned that when Annabel Crabb’s book The Wife Drought came out she purchased 1000 copies and sent them (with a personalised note) to leaders all around the country. These two stories got me thinking about how valuable it is for women to call out and promote the great things that other women in our networks are doing and has motivated me to start doing this more regularly for my friends and colleagues.
How we talk about/the assumptions we make about the division of household/parenting responsibilities. An except from Anne-Marie Slaughter’s new book, Unfinished Business, was published on Time – ‘Women are Sexist Too’ – and it, along with Jess Irvine’s opinion piece on parenting and inequality, has got me thinking about the default language I use in discussions about division of household/parenting responsibilities. No longer will I talk about male partners ‘helping’ around the house or with kids, and I’ll fight any tendency I have to leave ‘instructions’ for Jason next time I’m away!

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