Journal

What worked for me in 2019

January 30, 2020 By Clare Leave a Comment

**2019 – the year we said goodbye to Canberra**

This year I’m determined to get my annual ‘what worked’ post published before February (note – see posts from 2017 and 2018)! As for the last 7 years, I finished 2019 and saw in the new year (and did my usual associated reflection and introspection) in the little beach town in on the Fleurieu Peninsula in South Australia where my mum has a holiday house. The significant difference this year is that this is now our home (at least for the next 12 months). This was definitely the most notable decision we’ve made and action we’ve taken in 2019 – to leave Canberra and move permanently (as permanently as these decisions ever are!) to SA. After 20+ years it feels sad to say goodbye to Canberra (and my wonderful friends and colleagues there) but a necessary step to move on to the next chapter for our family. It’s too early to say if this ‘worked’ and include it on the list, but I’m excited to see what this change brings…

On to the list for 2019….

Running

I think this has had the most positive influence on my life in 2019. I started the year doing the C25K, ran/walked my first parkrun, hired a running coach (this was an excellent decision and a huge part of why I’ve kept running), and ran some fun runs. I’m physically fitter than I was 12 months ago but I’ve really noticed the huge mental impact too. I don’t think I would have navigated some of the challenging moments of the year without the mental clarity and resilience I’ve taken from running. I like who I am when I run. I am slow slow slow but I like having ‘runner’ as part of my identity. I want to continue to run for the rest of my life and believe that I will.

Not dying my hair

I dyed my hair for the last time in February and I love the freedom and ease and authenticity of not having to worry about it anymore. As I’ve written previously, I feel more ‘me’. The grombre Instagram account was significant in making me realise that grey hair wasn’t something to be resigned to, but actually something to lean in to! And having a good hairdresser (shout out to Steve at Lush Hair in Kingston) on board was essential too!

Coaching

I did a lot of it in 2019! We had a large intake to the graduate program I work with and some changes to coach availability meant that I picked up a lot of the coaching workload. It was draining and hard at times but for the most part I found it so energizing and rewarding. The advantage of doing a lot of something in a relatively short period is that you learn and develop quickly. I have evolved so much as a coach and while that’s partly about practicing skills, I think it’s more about getting over my imposter syndrome, trusting my intuition and letting go of needing to ‘do it right’.

Online grocery shopping

This is another thing I’ve written about previously. It may not be the most environmentally sustainable option (but is better now that Coles Online has a bag-free option) but right now in my life this is eliminating a pain point (who wants to go to the supermarket with children?!) and freeing up my time. It takes a little bit of organisation (you obviously need to think about what you need about 24 hours in advance so is no good for those who like to wander the aisles and see what dinner inspiration strikes) but on the whole, it’s definitely been a time, energy and sanity saver.

Buying clothes second hand

In a continued effort to bring more environmental sustainability and frugality to my life, I’ve been buying more of my (and the kids’) clothes second hand. My best find was a fantastic electric blue vintage Adam Bennett coat at Vinnie’s which I got heaps of wear from last winter. I’ve mainly just been eBaying (sticking to brands/sizes that I know) as it’s more efficient than trawling op shops. It doesn’t always work out and sometimes pieces end up being re-donated as a result, but I’ve definitely saved money and felt better about my consumption.

Communication with Ella

I am most definitely not a perfect parent but I’m pretty proud of how I’ve been able to foster open dialogue with Ella (6) and to quickly, calmly and kindly ‘repair’ our relationship after the inevitable (and reasonably) frequent ‘ruptures’. I’ve picked up various little parenting tips from listening to people I admire (like Brene Brown and Adam Grant). These aren’t huge things…. telling Ella at least once a day that I will always love her no matter what, modeling self-awareness and apologising quickly when I act or speak without kindness and compassion, being prepared to sit with her in the (metaphorical) ‘dark’ without rushing to turn on the light and fix things for her, and helping her to practice little mindfulness exercises. I’m conscious of creating positive strategies for the ‘little’ stuff so that when shit gets really real in a few years, we’ll have a strong base to work from.

And finally, some things from 2018 continued to be an important part of my life in 2019, in particular walking to school with Ella, continuing to journal using Day One (I’m not always consistent but take a ‘something is better than nothing’ approach), and the week-in-review reflective emails that my friend Emily and I exchange (we’ve now done this for the last 90+ weeks).

Head & Heart #40: How could it be worse?

August 31, 2019 By Clare Leave a Comment

It’s rarely good news when you hear your child screaming ‘Muuuuum!’ from the toilet! Recently Ella managed to drop her new gloves in the loo! They (obviously) needed a wash afterward and she was pretty upset because she now couldn’t wear them to school. I really didn’t have the energy to deal with her distress during the pre-departure morning chaos, so to pull her out of it I suggested we have some fun thinking of all the ways it could have been worse. Given that this incident involved a toilet it was fairly easy to think of a range of disgusting ideas (which she loved!). She ended up smiling and laughing with me and expressing genuine gratitude that the gloves didn’t get flushed away (or reach one of a number of much more gross fates!).

But the value of asking ‘how could it be worse?’ isn’t just limited to minor daily hiccups or annoyances, it’s also relevant to the traumatic and life-changing. Sheryl Sandberg spoke about this in an interview on the On Being podcast when she described the advice her friend Adam Grant gave her after her husband died unexpectedly.

…Adam looked at me and said, “You should think about how things could be worse.” And I thought to myself, “Dave just died suddenly. How can things be worse?” And he said, “He could’ve had that cardiac arrhythmia driving your children.” I mean, in that instant, to this day, when I say that, I feel better. I’m like, OK my kids are alive. I’m fine. Literally. Because think about the devastation I felt with Dave, and the devastation of losing all three of them in one instant, which happens. And all of a sudden, you’re better.

And you would think that when you’re trying to find a way forward, you want to think about happy thoughts, but actually, what you want to do is find gratitude, gratitude for what’s left. And one way of doing that is think about how things could be worse. And that really did work, because the minute I thought about the fact that I’m lucky to still have my children alive, what I found was gratitude.”

A quote I’m pondering:

Grace can take you places where hustling can’t”

~ Elizabeth Gilbert on the Chase Jarvis Live podcast

We’re moving to Normanville (a little coastal town south of Adelaide) next year – which is partly about getting more grace and less hustle into our lives. Hustling seems like such a default and I’m noticing how, in planning for next year, I need to consciously stop from over-committing myself in order to allow the time and space for grace. Related – Is hustle culture actually hurting us?

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Head & Heart #39: Muddy water

July 28, 2019 By Clare Leave a Comment

A quote I’m pondering…

“Muddy water is best cleared by leaving it alone” ~ Alan Watts.*

Since making running a regular part of my routine I’ve noticed my mental health has been pretty good and I haven’t felt as strong a need for regular meditation in my life. But while the running helps with my mood it doesn’t quite deal with the mental clutter and distraction and reactiveness in the same way that meditation does. This quote has got me thinking about the importance of quiet and stillness, and it also reminded me of something Julia Baird wrote in a New York Times opinion piece about her cancer diagnosis…. ‘stillness and faith can give you extraordinary strength. Commotion drains.’

Our modern lives are full of commotion and chaos and muddy water. Perhaps our way through that to improved wellbeing is not found in personal productivity hacks or new technology or to-do lists or outsourcing, but in more silence and stillness.

* I read the above quote in a recent installment of Ann Friedman’s weekly newsletter which I’d highly recommend. We’re apparently at ‘peak newsletter’ so you probably don’t need anything more to read, but in case you do, I also enjoy receiving updates in my inbox from Emi Kolawole, Austin Kleon, Adam Grant and Jean Hannah Edelstein.

Adding value to my life right now…

Reframing ‘I have to’ into ‘I get to’. A little tip I took away from James Clear’s interview on the 10% Happier podcast – next time you find yourself saying (or thinking) that you have to do something, try reframing it and tell yourself that you get to do it instead. ‘I have to pick up E from school’ -> ‘I get to pick up E from school’, ‘I have to deliver 3 workshops this week’ -> ‘I get to deliver 3 workshops this week’. It’s a great way to quickly shift yourself into a place of gratitude rather than obligation.

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Head & Heart #38: Not ready

July 13, 2019 By Clare Leave a Comment

I’ve been doing a bit of facilitation and training over the last few months and often found myself feeling not as prepared as I would have liked (a combination of life busy-ness, miscalculation on my part about how long the preparation would take, plus a little procrastination). It is uncomfortable to do something before you’re ‘ready’, so I’ve been thinking a lot about something Lorne Michaels (Saturday Night Live creator and prpodcastoducer) said in an interview on Alec Baldwin’s Here’s The Thing :

We don’t go on because we’re ready. We go on because it’s 11.30.

Not being ‘ready’ is not a barrier to putting work into the world, and good work at that. In fact, delaying an action until one feels ‘ready’ is a kind of inbuilt defense mechanism to avoid any failure or risk of criticism and negative reaction from others. As Tim Herrera wrote this week in his New York Times Better Living column, ‘it’s never going to be perfect, so just get it done’.

So, with that in mind, I’m trying hard to post this update before I’m ready. Before it completely captures all of the things that I want to share. Before I know exactly what to say. Before I’ve done the deep recollection and reflection on all the things that I’ve done and thought and am grateful for and that I’ve read and listened to over the last 3 months since I last posted.

Three things that are bringing joy or adding value to my life right now…

Not dying my hair
I dyed my hair for the last time in February. Feeling inspired by grombre (discovered via the lovely Jen Frahm who’s rocking her short silver style) I took the opportunity to get a new cut and am letting the old colour grow out and fade away. I have quite substantial (but still patchy) grey coverage and I’m enjoying it way more than I thought I would. I feel more ‘me’. The money, time and hassle saved are also a big bonus.

Hiring a running coach
About a year ago I decided I would run the 10k at the Gold Coast Marathon (committing my future self to ‘go on at 11.30′ whether I was ready or not!). I’d done ok with the C25K program but by late April I knew I’d need some extra help to make it to 10. I am a total obliger and so accountability is really important for me in working to achieve a goal. I’ve never met my coach Kate, but her program, support, encouragement and accountability got me there! My goal was to run the whole way – and I did it! And I loved it too!

Super stoked to have run 10k at the Gold Coast Marathon (and the 2k junior dash with E)!

As someone who likes immediate gratification and success (who doesn’t?) sometimes I can get disheartened and lack persistence when the progress is slow and the work is hard. But doing this running training has taught me so much about trusting a process and incremental improvement and just doing the work. The other huge advantage of having a running coach is the elimination of the cognitive work involved in figuring out and planning a training program. As a working mum I feel like my brain is constantly full (what are we having for dinner? what forms need to go back to school? have I paid the car rego? whose clothes/shoes are too small? have I actually delivered on the work that I committed to do? etc etc). I’ve realised that my brain space is actually a really precious resource worth managing intentionally. So outsourcing this running-related research, planning and decision-making to someone more qualified and experienced seems like a good move – now I don’t even think about ‘how far/long should I run today?’, I just wake up and do whatever the plan says I need to do!

Related…. the Gold Coast Marathon was such a great, well organised event we’re planning on going back next year. And I’m so grateful for all of the volunteers and supporters who made the event run so smoothly and whose cheers and encouragement and high-fives made a massive difference! If you ever find yourself nearby to a fun run/triathlon get along (even just for a few minutes) and clap/cheer – it really does help!

Grocery delivery
Food planning, shopping and preparation is definitely not a source of joy in my life, but for the last few months it’s been made much easier by embracing online ordering and delivery. At first I saw it as extra expenditure I didn’t need (and I kept putting off the planning bit so I didn’t ever feel ‘ready’ to place the order), but now when I think of it as paying someone to go to the supermarket, find the groceries, put them in a trolley, go through the checkout, drive them to my house, and unpack them on my kitchen bench, that definitely feels like money worth spent. This is consistent with research that has found that spending money to buy time increases happiness more than spending it on stuff. I’m pleased that Coles online have a bag free option too now so I’m not dealing with storing/recycling mounds of plastic bags!

On a food-related note, I’ve been trying some of the recipes from The Fast 800 Recipe Book (the ratatouille and halloumi bake is a favourite so far). And this smoky chickpea and red lentil soup was also delicious (and conveniently able to be created from stuff I had in my pantry when we returned home from holidays, hadn’t done a grocery order and I felt crappy with a head cold).

Finally, I made these fat pocky for E to take to celebrate her birthday with her class (unfortunately she was sick, so we’ll be making them again next term for a belated celebration). Adam Liaw is a genius!

And the rest…

E turned 6 last week and got a few really great gifts – we’re all loving playing a new card game, Sleeping Queens, she’s super excited to take on some of the art projects in this book, and is enjoying reading Stuck in the Stone Age. If you have little people (age around 6-9) in your life, these might be some good gift suggestions. And how cool is this Pokemon inspired portrait that Ella’s uncle Noo (Neale) & the enormously talented Cody created?!

We farewelled our beloved family dog Shiva in early May. Shiva was a rescue kelpie-x who came into our lives (via ACT Rescue & Foster) over 9 years ago. She certainly made our lives more interesting and she taught us so much. In the last few months before she died she was also a brilliant running partner, waking me up for and accompanying me on pre-dawn runs. Throughout Shiva’s life she had such great care from Matt and the team at Small Friends Veterinary Hospital (and we received an especially lovely condolence card and print of Shiva’s paw afterwards). Those that met Shiva know that she was a huge softy but was quite scared of strangers. But she has always loved Matt and was never fussed about going to the vet. If you are ever looking for a Canberra-based vet, Small Friends is really great. Although it wasn’t easy we were also really honest with E about what was happening and gave her the opportunity to have plenty of farewell pats. She asked a few questions (kids are so literal and don’t care for adult euphemisms around death) and was pretty upset, but accepted it more easily than I expected. Kids are so often more resilient and understanding than we give them credit for.

Head & Heart #37: Don’t pee on the gift

April 13, 2019 By Clare Leave a Comment

One of my favourite pieces of advice from Jancee Dunn’s How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids is “don’t pee on the gift”. It means don’t tell your spouse you’re OK with something he or she wants to do (a weekend getaway, an hours-long bike ride, an afternoon nap) and then fume about it after the fact.

Our dog has just had surgery and has been pretty sick with an infection. However, the (very shiny) silver lining is that I get a weekend at home to look after her, while J takes the kids on our planned family trip to visit his parents. This is possibly one of the greatest gifts J has ever given me and just the anticipation of a forthcoming weekend alone brings me so much joy. I am very conscious that J’s weekend (involving 7 hours of driving with a 5 and almost 2-year-old) might not be quite so joyful, but I’ve told him (repeatedly) that he can’t pee on the gift!

Other things that have brought value/joy to my life lately….

Chat 10 Looks 3

I was in a bit of a blergh mood during a morning commute to work this week. Chat 10 always makes me smile and the latest episode was no exception.

This Jamie Oliver salsa recipe

It was J’s birthday last week and I made these chicken fajitas for his birthday dinner. The salsa is especially delicious (note: I used some chipotle sauce as a substitute for the dried smoked chipotle) and it made me appreciate the value of a great sauce/dressing/condiment to transform an ordinary meal into something super tasty. On a related note, I’ve just started having Dijon mustard on my toasted sandwiches and have added this to the long list of things I wonder why I didn’t discover sooner!

iOS Shortcuts

I’ve recently started experimenting with the Shortcuts app on my iPhone after listening to this episode of the Day One podcast (Day One is my journaling app of choice) and subsequently a few episodes of Automators. Much of the technical detail goes over my head but it’s still been fun to engage my brain in a new and geeky way and come up with interesting ways to quickly/efficiently handle some of the things I do with my phone – like journal entries, starting new timers in Toggl (for time tracking), and one I set up recently where Siri will tell me what time I’m expected to arrive home.

The ‘Week in Review’

I wrote about this in my what worked in 2018 post, and last week my dear friend Emily and I sent our 52nd weekly reflective update. This practice continues to be so important to me and I’m so pleased/proud that we’ve been able to keep it up for a year (I doubt I would have been able to without the accountability to Em). Last time I posted about the WIR, lots of people asked for the questions and I do intend to do a separate post at some stage. But in the meantime, these are the questions we’re currently using (they’ve iterated a little over time). Credit and much thanks is owed to Amanda for introducing me to her similar practice and sharing her questions.

Bluey

As most Australian parents of preschoolers would know, new episodes of Bluey are out. J and I think Bandit and Chilli (Bluey’s dad and mum) are pretty great parenting role models!

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Head & Heart #36

March 30, 2019 By Clare 1 Comment

These Head & Heart posts, like many things, get harder to write the longer I put off writing them. I’ve found that there is a small window between feeling like I have enough to say and having too much – when I struggle to know where to start and to end, what to leave out and what to include. But inspired by the ‘good list’ episodes on Tsh Oxenrider’s The Simple Show, I’ve decided to simply share 3–5 things that are adding value to my life right now.

Getting up early to exercise and meditate

For the past six weeks or so I’ve been getting up around 5.15am and going for a 1/2 hour walk or jog with the dog, followed (on most mornings) by a quick 3-minute meditation. Exercising and meditating have such a significant impact on my mental wellbeing and I’m definitely feeling happier, calmer and more positive. And I’ve been surprised how easily I’ve adjusted to the pre-dawn start – I suspect it would be even easier if I could consistently achieve an earlier bedtime (that’s another challenge!). I’ve been plodding my way through the C25K program again. I want to run a 10k this year and a 5k still feels a long way off – let alone 10! But I’m trusting the process and the program. As a facilitator and trainer (that occasionally has a tendency to want to have a lot of say over outcome!) this feels important to practice. I’ve also been using this Intervals app which is great!

Jar salads

Jar salads have been a game-changer. This roasted spiced chickpea & sweet potato salad with orange vinaigrette from Jar Salads: 52 happy, healthy lunches by Alexander Hart is our favourite. We got some glass jars from Target and I’ll make up 5 or 6 at a time.

Using Siri + Reminders to manage our grocery list

I got an Apple Watch for Christmas and one of my favourite and most used features is being able to ask Siri to add an item to our (shared) grocery list (in Reminders) at any time, wherever I am. I’ve also changed my Siri to the Australian male voice after reading this post (see tip #34).

Derek Sivers’ bike-riding story

As we, like many families, try to navigate the demands of kid drop-offs and getting to work, I’ve often found myself feeling rushed and rushing the kids (which never ends well!). So I’ve been thinking about this story from Derek Sivers a lot lately.

New podcast discoveries

After a bit of a run of audiobooks earlier in the year, I’m back in a podcast phase. I binged the entire series of The Drop Out, and two other recent discoveries that are on heavy rotation are David Tennant does a podcast with…, and Feel Better, Live More.

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What worked for me in 2018

February 8, 2019 By Clare 1 Comment

One of my favourite posts to write last year was a wrap up of what worked for me in 2017. This 2018 edition has been sitting in a half-completed draft form for weeks, and although the time for new year reflection has probably passed (now that we’re more than a full month into 2019!) I wanted to publish it anyway! Some of those things from 2017 (like journalling and decluttering) continued to be an important part of my life in 2018 and others dropped away (like the TV-ban for Ella!). Here’s what stood out as things that worked for me in 2018….

Walking E to school

We live a few hundred metres from the local primary school. When we bought our place I don’t think either of us imagined that we would be living there 10 years later, so proximity to schools wasn’t something on our radar. E started pre-school in 2018 and walking her to and from school was an unexpectedly delightful part of my week. It’s a short amount of uninterrupted time to connect and hold hands and have random conversations.

Taking a daily probiotic

I was quite sick in 2017 with persistent pneumonia and had more courses of antibiotics than I could count. While filling another prescription in late 2017, the pharmacy assistant recommended I take a probiotic. Perhaps it’s just a placebo effect, but I had no further chest infections in 2018 and largely avoided any significant colds.

A weekly reflective practice

In March 2018 my friend Emily and I started exchanging a weekly email based on a series of reflective question prompts (which were suggested to me by my friend Amanda (who has a similar regular email exchange practice)). The questions focus on what worked well, gratitude, and values and intentions. The simple act of asking (and answering) these questions makes me more alert to the good things in my life.

Meditating

I’ve gone through periods of meditating consistently in the past and always found it beneficial but I tended to let it go during periods when I was busy or stressed at work and actually needed it most. Since March 2018 I’ve had a pretty consistent practice – not every day – but something I do more often than not. And my meditation bar is pretty low – it’s typically just a 5 min guided meditation using the Calm app.

Returning to work

After the blur of maternity leave and sickness in 2017, I returned to work in 2018 doing more of the training, facilitation and coaching work I love. I am so grateful to have work that I enjoy and that energises me and has the flexibility that I need at this stage in my life. I look forward to going to work and I think it makes me a happier, (mentally) healthier mum and partner.

Splitting caring days with J

One of the things that helped the return to work was splitting care days with my husband, J. It’s much easier to leave the house to get to work when you don’t also have to stress about getting little people clothed, fed, cleaned up and to daycare/school at a certain time. It also helped me to reduce any tendency toward maternal gatekeeping and created the space for J and E to bond and develop their own little weekly rituals.

Running

I discovered I actually enjoyed running about 9 or so years ago and did it pretty consistently until E was born. Since then I’ve struggled to get back into it. But in 2018 I actually finished the C25K program and did a 5k fun run. Using a C25K app was great as I just did what the friendly voice told me to do – there was no thinking or planning required on my part, and slowly building up run/walk intervals helped to avoid any injury. I didn’t maintain the running in the second half of the year, so am starting again – with the goal of doing a 10k in 2019.

Cancelling our credit card and negotiating a better home loan rate

I read The Barefoot Investor back in 2017 but have been pretty slow to fully jump on board. In 2018 I took a couple of positive steps toward getting our financial s#*t sorted – cancelling our main credit card and negotiating a lower interest rate on our home loan. Related – Season 1 of The Pineapple Project podcast was also really good and prompted me to make a few other changes like buying more second hand clothes.

Completing a coaching certification

When I look back at old journal entries and angsty ‘what am I doing with my life?’ notebook scribbles, it’s clear now that coaching others (in an informal sense) has been something that’s provided much joy and energy in my work life, so I wonder why it took me so long to actually do some coach training? The IECL Level 1 course in February exceeded all my expectations. I learned so much – not only about coaching, but about myself, and about facilitating engaging training. This course has had a massive impact on my coaching practice and has provided the foundational skills and confidence to start coaching in a more formal capacity. What I wasn’t expecting was the significant impact the course would have on how I approach other close relationships in my life – I think I’m a better listener and better at maintaining ‘detached empathy’. On a related note, asking what rather than why has also been a beneficial habit to practice.

My favourite things

I’m continuing to try to declutter and be more intentional about ‘stuff’ but there were definitely a few ‘things’ that added value to my life in 2018.

AirPods – I’m not sure I would have bought a pair (they do look ridiculous) but J was gifted some which I subsequently appropriated. I’ve really enjoyed being able to listen to podcasts/books and to go running without being physically tethered to my phone.
A multi-cooker – Like many families, dinner time is stressful with kids/work/childcare pickups so having a cooked meal ready to go when you walk in the door is a lifesaver. The timer and the pressure cooker function on this one make it a big improvement over the old one I had. Several recipes from The Easiest Slow Cooker Book Ever are now staples in our house.
A fly swat – A bit of a random addition but I honestly have got a lot of use out of this since J bought one for me at the start of 2018. I hate flies, but I also hate spraying fly spray in our open plan kitchen/dining area.

A custom portrait from Able & Game is one of my favourite things!

A custom portrait from Able & Game – I have been coveting one of these for years. It makes me smile whenever I look at it.
A hot water bottle – This wasn’t a new acquisition in 2018, but just something I started using almost every night from April-October. Getting into a toasty warm bed is the best!
An insulated drink bottle – My old Camelbak leaked and annoyed me, so when I decided to upgrade in late 2018 I got an insulated bottle and it’s great. I got a Cheeki bottle and I’ve converted the whole family now too (they have ones from EcoCocoon).