journalling

What worked for me in 2017

February 1, 2018 By Clare 1 Comment

As I approached the end of 2017, the two things that stood out when looking back over the year were 1) Lincoln’s birth and the vortex of life with a newborn, and 2) illness (lots of it)! It seemed like a year of survival rather than flourishing or achieving, and honestly, by the end, I felt a little defeated and knocked around.

But I spent some time over the new year reviewing my journal entries and writing and reflecting, and I discovered that there was so much more to the year that I feel grateful for and want to remember. I love reading end-of-year wrap-up posts and particularly like the ‘what worked’ format from Modern Mrs Darcy. Although it’s now a full month past the end of the year, I still felt it was important to capture and to share, so here (in no particular order) is my list of what worked for me in 2017…

Banning TV for Ella

A one week TV ban back in late June was far and away one of the most positive parenting moves we’ve made, and seven months on the ban is still in effect. This change was motivated not by concerns for her development, but entirely by a self-interested desire to avoid the whinging and tantrums that went along with her wanting to watch ‘just one more?’! It worked!

Family gratitude practice

One of the advantages of J working from home is that we’ve always been able to do an early dinner as a family. Last year we started a practice of taking turns at dinner time to share something from the day that we’re grateful for. Dinner time is a challenging time of day – everyone is tired, hungry, feeling rushed and ready to get through the bath/bedtime routine – so this practice temporarily pulls us out of that mindset and forces us all to reflect on our day and find the good. It also feels important for me to set up small practices now that may help my kids’ mental health as they get older. Thanks to Kristen for recommending this!

Bushwalking

We didn’t do heaps of it in 2017, but Ella is now at an age where she is more capable of independently walking a few kilometres, so we did manage a few longer walks at Tidbinbilla. Walking in the bush makes me happy and relaxed, and with nothing else to do but walk and talk (no housework, meal prep etc) I find I’m a more present and engaged mum. I think this is another little practice that will be increasingly important for our relationship and mental health as she gets older, and I love developing a shared passion with her.

Buying a second car

In many ways (financial, environmental) I would like to have fewer cars, so I was a bit reluctant to include this in a list of what went well. We could have made do this year, but with the additional stresses and logistical complexity of a new family member, Jason and I could do without the potential source of stress and conflict in negotiating car use.

Small improvements to our home

In 2017 we did a few small things to improve our home. None were done cheaply (but they weren’t expensive major renovations either) – new dining chairs, a new back fence, replacing the back sliding door, a block out awning for our west-facing deck – but they added a lot of value to our lives. Spending money to make our home more enjoyable and comfortable feels like a worthwhile investment.

Midwife-led care for Lincoln’s birth

L was born through the Canberra Hospital’s Birth Centre program (as was E). I had another hugely positive experience and received excellent care from a wonderful midwife. I am so grateful for the access to this program and can’t recommend midwife-led care highly enough.

Decluttering and being more intentional about our ‘stuff’

Last year we transformed our spare room (junk room) into a guest bedroom where we accommodated family members for over four weeks, and then into a nursery for L. As our family has expanded, our home hasn’t, so it’s really prompted us to get rid of a lot. I’m far from my ideal decluttered home, but it’s a journey and we’re making progress. We’re also being much more intentional about toys and gifts for the kids and our families are getting on board too. For Christmas 2017 the kids got fewer toy gifts, and more practical or experience ones (a trip to the zoo, new sandals, a cupcake and movie date, a new lunchbox etc).

Journalling using Day One

I’ve been using Day One for a couple of years and it has certainly made it easier to maintain a regular journaling practice. Last year I upgraded to the subscription-based version – it’s one of the best things I’ve spent money on. I have several journals set up – including one for each of the kids. Having it always available makes it easy to just snap a photo, jot down a funny thing they say, or capture a few words to remind me of what we did on that day. The ‘on this day’ feature and the practice of re-reading and reviewed past entries is also something that I get more benefit from than I expected.

Lead Mama Lead book club

I’ve wanted to be in a book club for ages but never found one that read the kind of books I did – non-fiction, mainly psychology, management, and leadership. Joining the LML book club has been such a delight. I’ve read some books that I wouldn’t have otherwise, the act of discussing a book reinforces the learnings and deepens my reflection, and I have a regular time set aside to spend in authentic conversation with some wonderful women.

Getting a regular babysitter

Without family support in Canberra, I was much more realistic this time around that we’d need to pay for support. Having time away from the daily ins and outs of child care has helped me mentally and to maintain my sense of self. I believe it’s also valuable for my kids to interact with and be cared for by other trusted adults.

Standing up for myself and the people I love

I learned and forgot and re-learned this lesson several times over 2017! I pride myself on being an easy-going, low fuss kind of person and I hate feeling like I’m inconveniencing people or taking up too much of their time or resources. But in 2017, in some big and small ways, I had situations where I had to back myself and be really clear about what I, or my family, needed and wanted – telling my GP that I still wasn’t well and wanted further investigations, making a complaint at the hospital my mum was in and advocating for improvements to her care, getting Ella the help she needed from a more experienced swimming instructor. And every time I raised an issue or asked for additional support, things got better.

Although it may now feel like a distant memory, I’d love to know what worked well for you in 2017?!

Head & Heart #28

September 4, 2017 By Clare Leave a Comment

My computer has died with little prospect of resuscitation and no Genius Bar appointments available until Friday, but I’m maintaining my commitment to weekly posts and atttmpting to write and publish this post from my phone (please forgive any odd formatting!).

Linc upgraded from a bassinet to a cot last week which necessitated some furniture rearranging, purchasing and culling, and resulted in us selling our old spare room double bed on Gumtree. Selling on Gumtree provides such an interesting (and often frustrating) insight into human behaviour! I had several people just not show up and stop responding to messages – to the point that I wondered if I was being trolled! Anyway, it was a good reminder just how rare doing what you say you’re going to do is, and how much you can stand out simply by keeping your word.

This week these three posts have made me think and feel….

1. The normalisation of awful

I loved this piece by Yolande Norris so so much. It’s such a beautiful, vulnerable piece about her experience with post-natal depression (PND). But it’s not just about PND – it’s about the how we respond to women with kids who are struggling. The language we use matters. Telling a woman who is struggling that what she’s going through is normal, or comparing her experiences with our own or others (‘it could be worse….’) can seem like a helpful thing to do, but can actually be really isolating and deflating.

2. The right way to be introspective (yes, there’s a wrong way)
As I shared last week, I’ve been reinvigorating my journalling habit with the new Day One app and spending some time copying over seven years worth of writing from other platforms. From reading these old entries I have no doubt that I’m very capable of introspection, but less confident about whether that introspection actually elicits any worthwhile insight! I’m going to try using more ‘what’ rather than ‘why’ questions in my journalling and see what difference it makes.

3. 5 self-care strategies that aren’t fucking mani-pedis

Advice can be valuable, but in my experience, what people most want from their interpersonal relationships is to be seen, to be heard, and to feel connected. Unsolicited advice does not accomplish any of those things and can work toward the contrary.

My friend Summer Edwards shared this over on the Lead Mama Lead FB group (which I highly recommend for any women wanting to be engaged mothers and have engaging careers). It’s prompted me to be more aware of whether I’m asking for advice or empathy, and what others are asking of me.

Head & Heart #27

August 28, 2017 By Clare Leave a Comment

Day 6 – A gorgeous morning for a little family adventure. #100happydays

This week I’ve restarted another #100happydays photo project (on Instagram). Over the last couple of years I’ve become more conscious of what habits and practices impact my happiness, and this is definitely one that has a significant postive impact by giving me a reason to seek out, notice and create little moments of gratitude, connection and joy.

Another positive habit is daily journalling. I’ve been using the DayOne app for almost two years and this week I decided to upgrade to the latest version which includes the ability to keep multiple journals (plus some other nice features). Journalling has immediate benefits for me in that writing often helps me to figure out what I think, but the ability to look back and kind of join the dots to make better sense of who I am (or who I am becoming) is also really valuable. I’m also beginning to realise how much I’ve forgotten from the last four years of Ella’s life so I’m also trying to capture notes and insights about the kids – mostly so that I can remember, but possibly also so that when they’re older they can get a deeper insight into who they are.

Three things that have engaged my head and heart this week…

1. Jon Kabat Zinn interviewed by Krista Tippett on the On Being podcast

…living with children is probably the most powerful spiritual practice that anybody could ever be engaged in if you open yourself to it that way. I like to look at them as when they’re little as little living Zen masters that are sort of parachuted into our lives to push all our buttons and see how we’re going to work with the challenges they throw at us in addition to, of course, having to put food on the table, pay the rent, build a career, have a loving relationship…

This was a podcast episode with some wise messages about mindful parenting that I really needed to hear this week (see this Sticky Wisdom post). In moments of complete frustration, imagining E and L as little Zen monks brings a smile to my face! And I’m trying to remember to ask ‘what are they trying to teach me?’ rather than ‘why are they doing this to me?’!

2. Robert Sapolsky talking behaviour and biology on the Here We Are podcast
A friend recently recommended Robert Sapolsky’s book Behave: The Biology of Humans at Our Best and Worst. I have it on hold at the library but to be honest I’m a little daunted by a 800-page book on neuroscience so I went searching for a podcast instead. This episode had some fascinating insights and anecdotes about how the brain works, including a super interesting conversation about how ‘disgust’ is perceived/felt.

3. Jacinta Tynan: Why I’m Compiling a Daily Record of My Boys’ Childhood
This article was definitely part of the motivation for updating DayOne and starting journals for each of the kids. I really like the ‘one-sentence journal’ idea and it only takes a couple of minutes at the end of each day to jot down a few words to capture how they spent the day, a special moment or a funny quote. But listening to Sherry Turkle’s interview on On Being has me thinking about what physical artifacts from my kids’ childhoods I’m keeping (I’m very ruthless and there aren’t many artworks that get kept!) for them to discover later in life, and how I might ensure that the digital memories I’m capturing can also be retained and discovered.